AN UPDATE ON ALL OF THE THINGS! Where has Esme been and where can you go now to get your gaming and podcasting on?
|Posted by [email protected] on January 30, 2019 at 7:40 PM|
Greetings Cross Realmers!
As you most likely know by now , this gaming group has been regrouped under a new title ran by some of the same people that ran this one. The name is Cross Realm Renegades. In my (Esme) Extremely long and vague absence , the remaining leaders banded together to form a new group and a new podcast with a new discord. You may have known this already or this may be news to you as you had already picked up and moved on. In any case, I wanted to send out a long over do email blast to the current members to let everyone know of their new beginnings as this gaming group was never ran by just me. We have always been a team and I was thrilled to see that they kept the home fires burning in my absence!<3
Their new Gaming Group Discord can be joined here: https://discord.gg/GsPUpaz
Their new Gaming Podcast can be found here: https://crossplatformrenegades.podbean.com/
Their Facebook Page is here: https://www.facebook.com/Cross-Platform-Renegades-PS4-ARK-Cluster-218442612391711/?__tn__=%2Cd%2CP-R&eid=ARBLYTDzTsrKVxCRQRab6mmQuGg4UjgxqnDS6G-yl9NGfJgtl4XKhjQctsby6DgPeySaWd1W0xqfNwy1
(I have included the email I have sent to each of our past leaders and main hosts for full transparency and hopefully to answer any questions. I have also included it for anyone who may be in a dark place as I was and inspire them to seek help...)
“Greetings from a better place!
First off, I want to address the elephant in the room. Where have I been? If anyone is wondering anymore. That train may have left the station a while ago. Either way, I wanted to finally sit down and fill you guys and gals in on why I went MIA.
Before I went MIA, I remember we were taking a break from recording our shows due to busy schedules etc. During that break in time I realized I had a problem I needed to take care of. I had been dealing with ( or actually not dealing with) depression. I have struggled with it silently for 4 years now following my dads death. It was very traumatic for my family, and I really never dealt with my loss. I was so busy being there for my sister and my mom and being a mom, I have never really addressed the feeling of numbness in my heart. I had been self medicating in the form of Box Wine.Way before I met any of you actually. I would joke about it, but it was really nothing for me to joke about. I was binge drinking and it started to turn into an addiction. I wasn't dealing with what I needed to. It began to take control of my life. I would stay up gaming for hours a night and get up early with my kids and family. I would rinse and repeat. My husband would seem worried about me, but I hid all of this very well, so well he never pushed the issue. I was a high functioning wine mom who was dying a little bit each day.
My body started rebuking my harsh treatment. My liver started hurting. Then I had a health scare regarding my heart. I had to have a lot of tests done, but everything seemed to be fine, but they could not explain why my left arm would go numb for long periods of time and still don’t. I did not want to tell any of you what I was dealing with because I was ashamed. I am a private person and didn't know how to start the conversation the longer I was away. I knew if I went back into gaming and podcasting with everyone it would honestly trigger my drinking problem and I had to avoid it at all costs. I turned to God during this time through a series of Bible studies I had sent away for one day when I was at my absolute worst. I waited months for them to come and when they did I had forgotten all about them. Gods timing trumps our timing. The more I studied the bible, the better I felt. I prayed that I would be able to stop drinking. I prayed that God would give me the strength. It had gotten so bad that I would freak out if I did not have a box of wine in my fridge. I was stressed out about it. I had a huge whole in my heart and I thought Wine was the answer. It wasn't. God was. I Got Baptized on October 27, 2018 and I haven't craved alcohol since. It was a long process, a lot of ups and downs but I am in a better place. I have quit drinking, talking like a sailor, and I have even quit caffeine. I am eating better and I am putting God first in my life now, for without him I would not have one.
I feel and have felt terrible about walking away and never telling anyone why, but I knew the gaming group wasn’t and hasn’t ever been ran by just me. We have always been a group of leaders. I have always given admin commands to everyone. I have given discord admin controls out, the website controls etc., so I knew that the natural leaders would rise in my absence as it did not revolve around me to begin with. I knew if I stuck my head back in I would fall back into my old ways and I honestly had to put my health and recovery first. As the months went by and more time had passed, the fact I had not told anyone what was going on nagged me day in and day out. I felt like such a jerk for not communicating with anyone, but I also knew it was for the best. I knew one day I would be on the other end of this tunnel I had been living in. I knew there would be a day that I would have the guts to sit down and face the friends I had abandoned. Well I guess today is that day. So So So much time has gone by and the only thing I can say is I am sorry. I wish I could have had the courage to do then what I am doing now, but I didn’t. I didn't open any of my social media accounts until yesterday, And I was soooooo happy to see you guys are still a team and moving along as I had hoped you would! I saw that you guys banded together and built a new group for yourselves and even a new show! I was so geeked! I AM so geeked! The entire reason I had started down the crazy Rated Ark Path and built a group was to hopefully share my passion of podcasting with fellow gamers and praise the Lord, that’s how it ended! I loved hearing your voices again <3
I have to go in for surgery soon, so I am not sure what awaits me on the flip side of that. I am not really looking forward to it, but I now have faith in God to help remove my fears.
Thank you to those who have reached out and but never received a reply. Each of you have been in my heart and mind this entire time, I just was not in a good place.
I just started to get back into game here and there and I have not felt the need to drink. I had been afraid of triggering my old habits. So that is cool.
I did move our shows over to the Anchor Podcast Site from podbean , so they are still out there and being listened to by people. I could not keep paying for the hosting, but I wanted our shows to remain there as it was a team effort. You can find them here: https://anchor.fm/rated-ark-cross-realm-rebellion-podcast
As for me, I plan to solo podcast, but it will be more God Centered and gaming related. If anyone has been where I just came from, or is currently there , please never be afraid to get help for yourself<3
If you see me around the interwebs, don't be a stranger.
Again, Thank you for everything. I am so excited for all of you!
I have enclosed some basic Podcast info I had been working on to share , but it looks like you guys learned a lot over the past couple of years !